I’m planning to write a book: What to expect when you’re parenting
By now, the pregnancy book, What to expect when you’re expecting, is about as ubiquitous on a mother-to-be’s bed side table as a baby monitor. Whatever marketing authors Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel did, it worked. It probably helps that Cameron Diaz starred in the titular film produced by Lionsgate in 2012, but I also know that Murkoff and Mazel’s pregnancy guide was released at an opportune time — a time before the app store and smartphones took off and people actually still bought books and read them cover to cover.
Whatever the reason, I had three of these books, all given to me by mothers of mothers who probably wished they had a similar guide instead of what most mothers had in the 70s and 80s, which was some laughing gas and a sleeping pill only to wake up with a newborn baby in their arms wondering what happened. At least that’s how they showed it happening on TV back then and since my mother rarely talked about her pregnancy, let alone giving birth, it was all a big mystery to me until I had a kid of my own.
(By the way, I neither had laughing gas or a sleeping pill, but I did get induced and thought I was dying until I got an epidural. Those things are crazy strong.)
However, my point is not about babies and pregnancy, it’s actually about parenting. There are so many books about parenting out there today that it’s tough to know where to turn for advice or what “style” is the best. My brother and his wife told the family early on that they were practicing “positive parenting” with their daughter a few years ago and my immediate internal reaction was isn’t that how most people parent? Apparently not, so I checked and it’s actually a thing. You can read about it here on this website.
Honestly, positive parenting just seems like a public health institution’s way of packaging the argument I’m about to make, which is the need for a more universal understanding and directions about how to parent. I’m guessing most people aren’t going to public health websites looking for data and the Three P’s of Parenting. No, they are going to Google and Tik Tok and getting advice from #MomTok and the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu (which to be fair is more about what not to do.)
On an optimistic note, I’m just glad that we’ve moved away from the the 1940s belief that children should always be on a strict schedule, even when it comes to affection. I mean, look across Congress right now — see how many folks of that generation are starved for attention? Let this be a lesson to all of us that the way they were raised may not be the best example for child rearing.
I digress.
Parenting is an amazing journey to embark on and I agree with so many before me that it brings purpose into one’s life like nothing else on this planet. However, what has always baffled me is that while it’s one of the toughest and most important jobs a person can have, no one needs a license or a degree, or even training, to become one. That’s bonkers. Instead, we say things to make people feel better like “there is no guide” or “no right or wrong way” to parent when there are is so clearly some very right and wrong ways to parent.
All the guide books aside, I believe that we could actually make parenting easier and perhaps all of us more efficient and effective by agreeing on some very simple values like:
- Don’t ever hit or abuse a child in any way
- Don’t over feed your child with fried and processed food or sugar
- Make sure your child gets gets daily exercise and reads at least one chapter book a month
- Put your phones away at meals
- Be kind to yourself and others, we all make mistakes and aren’t perfect and this includes your child
In my ideal world, parenting classes would be Relationship and Life classes and start in elementary school and continue through college instead of starting and ending in one upper level high school class with an animatronic baby that cries at random and is supposed to instill fear into adolescents as a means of abstinence. When has that actually worked? (Also, if you want to instill fear in children about sex, just show girls what a real penis looks like and boys a frontal view of a vagina and I bet that will scare them at least until college.)
I think we would all benefit from classes about building and maintaining relationships and practical life lessons as well as about how to change a diaper and give the child a bath. Think about how much better we’d all be if we learned together instead of fumbling our way through understanding that regular doctor’s visits are a must, math will always be important as well as learning how to save for college and to pay taxes. Imagine if you learned early about interest rates, how to change a tire, install a child seat and cook a meal—even if it’s just one, at least you will know how to feed yourself and your kid without going through a drive through.
I’ve obviously given parenting a lot of thought and feel like as a society we should be as practical as we are emotional about becoming a parent. There should be some consistency at a basic level.
I know that a lot of this is based on my own experience, but it’s also because I know that being a parent is a big deal and it’s tough, especially if you don’t have a support system. That’s why I think writing a book like “what to expect” might be helpful for parents who want to know what’s coming before the baby actually does. It’s in the works.
By being more prepared and aligned to some high level values of what works well could help set us all up for better success; but what do I know, I’m just a parent. :)
Until next time.
- TTM
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