A short essay on being a mom and the Internet

I’m pretty sure it’s more difficult today being a parent today than say, 30 years ago, and that the main culprit is technology, namely the Internet (capital I).

Now, I’ll admit that I don’t have a huge catalog of historical first hand mom knowledge considering I was born in the 80s and the only other parents I have lived with are my own. But I think it’s safe to say, based on observations, that what parents were up against in the 80s and 90s is not the same as what parents have to face today: 24 hour influence from all directions and areas of the world.

It’s not like I’m a luddite. I remember the excitement of when we got our first Apple Computer. It ate floppy disks and my brother and I fought over playing Donkey Kong and the Oregon Trail, which is the equivalent of today’s Fortnite, only more real (I’m guessing).

We also had an Atari, and I was obsessed with my Rainbow Brite, but beyond that, I didn’t know much about the outside world aside from my family and school friends, which were tough enough to navigate when it came to understanding social hierarchy, the latest fashion trends and societal dos and don’ts.

Now however, kids and parents have the whole world to contend with, and the whole world has an opinion on how you should parent, dress, cook, clean, apply makeup, eat, exercise and the list goes on. My mother only had to navigate her own mother’s judgement and perhaps judgement from the other women on the PTA, but children today are subjected to judgement everywhere at the click of a space bar or swipe.

To adjust, parenting today seems more proactive than reactive, and we play a lot of defense, which has its pros and cons. The Pros are that we are more thoughtful about what we say to our kids and how. We take their thoughts and feelings into consideration and we give them choices. We try and explain things, everything and we are more invested in their day to day lives and who they are talking to.

The Cons are that it takes a lot more mental and physical energy to negotiate everything, be empathetic, and an active listener, especially when your six year old refuses to wear a coat and pants when it’s 30 degrees outside and all you want to yell is “because I told you so!” We are also told that we may be “overparenting” and that our children need more independence to make their own mistakes, but with the Internet that a risky balance.

It’s the overload of mental exhaustion that worries me the most. Even though I agree with the studies (and in my own parenting observations) that the type of parenting we practice today will ultimately result in more well adjusted children I can’t help but think sometimes that the old way, where what parents said went and not having a device to constantly keep kids entertained, probably has its benefits too. For example, kids were expected to entertain themselves with their imaginations. They rode bikes, made their own friends and they also had table manners.

So, why does raising well adjusted kids mean that we have to also be tired moms?

Because it’s work. And if you work outside the home and have children, it’s two full time jobs. Place on top of that that many women are starting to go through menopause at the same time their children are going through puberty today and it’s just, well, a lot.

We could also make the argument that men aren’t doing enough, which definitely contributes to this exhaustion, but that’s for another essay.

Unfortunately, until we value men and women as equal human beings and the contributions they make, no matter the work, as important, nothing will change with the above.

I honestly think “value and support” play an important role here. So when we are tired, we turn to what’s easy and what has become the easiest is the Internet and all the videos, messaging and games it provides.

Screen time allows for a parent to check out for a bit, get some laundry done, dinner made or a nap in, but it has also made us more isolated, lonely and in search of constant entertainment. And if you are using it too much to supplement your tiring day, then your kids aren’t getting enough “mom” time and are looking to the Internet for the validation they seek.

Even as I write this I feel my eyes getting heavy and it’s not even 9 pm yet.

I know there isn’t a good or standard solution for all of this, but I am a big believer in limiting screen time, especially during the school week and being more lenient during the weekend. As they get older they will want more time alone, talking with friends and that’s okay, but also try and do family night where you play a board game, cards and eat pizza. Even an after dinner walk could go a long way.

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